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I intend to live forever. So far, so good. -Steven Wright {Added 8/30/2006}
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. -Steven Wright {Added 8/30/2006}
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. -Steven Wright {Added 8/30/2006}
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. -Steven Wright [brainyquote.com] {Added 8/30/2006}
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -Jack Benny [brainyquote.com] {Added 8/30/2006}
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name." -Paula Poundstone
Two cavemen, one with a coin ready to be tossed, are speaking to two apes: "It's agreed then: you call it in the air...winners get to lounge around in trees all day eating bananas and losers have to develop civilization and live in hot, crowded cities." [from cartoon mentioned by David Leonhardt (The Happy Guy)] {Added Mar 28, 2006}
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, " I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it." [from email] {Added Mar 8, 2006}
... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives as well.
When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as determined by
(1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy imported dental
floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant
where they have made a reservation three weeks in advance, and they are
informed that their table is available, they stalk out immediately, because
they know it is not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an
enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't
have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
--Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" {Added 10/14/98}
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all
go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild
horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic
notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses
in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your
camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your
food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal
law, just like Richard Nixon.
--Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" {Added 10/6/98}
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there are men on base.
--Dave Barry [Oracle humor email list] {Added 9/30/98}
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago:
"Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
--[Oracle humor email list] {Added 9/30/98}
Time's fun when you're having flies.
--Kermit the Frog [Oracle humor email list] {Added 9/30/98}
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
--(from the Oracle Service Humor Mailing List) {Added 9/23/98}
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright {Added 9/18/2002} [from Howard's Linux box]
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright {Added 2/22/01} [from Quotes of the Day tqp-qotd@topica.com]
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
-- Garry Shandling {Added 2/14/01} [from Quotes of the Day tqp-qotd@topica.com]
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
-- Steven Wright {Added 2/13/01} [from Quotes of the Day tqp-qotd@topica.com]
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
-- Garry Shandling {Added 1/29/01} [from Quotes of the Day tqp-qotd@topica.com]
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he
gave it to. -Dorothy Parker {Added 1/25/01} [from A.Word.A.Day]
Video games, not parents, are to blame for many of these teenage crimes.
I'm certain it was Frogger that taught my son to jaywalk.
-- John Bumbry, Systems Analyst [from http://www.fiction.net/blong] {Added 1/8/01}
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts [from http://www.fiction.net/quotes/former.quotes.html] {Added 12/14/00}
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
-- Steven Wright [from email sig] {Added 12/13/00}
JESUS SAVES, passes to Moses, he shoots. It's good! He scores! {Added 11/28/00}
I've found a solution to Fermat's Last Theorem but I see I've run out of room o {Added 11/28/00}
Really cancel? [OK] [Cancel] {Added 11/28/00}
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. {Added 11/28/00}
Dyslexics of the world, untie! {Added 11/28/00}
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. {Added 11/28/00}
"Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):
For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with
warm iron.
For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on
roofrack."
-- (from the Oracle Service Humor Mailing List) {Added 9/24/98}
Teddy Bear Usage Instructions (7): Don't forget to clean Teddy every 100,000 hugs.
- from an email signature {Added 11/07/00}
Teddy Bear Usage Instructions (3): To get upside-down bear the right way
up, take him in right hand and and rotate until his ears come to the top.
- from an email signature {Added 10/19/00}
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- [from a circulating email] {Added 4/14/00}
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- [from a circulating email] {Added 4/14/00}
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
- [from a circulating email] {Added 4/14/00}
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- [from a circulating email] {Added 4/14/00}
The covers of this book are too far apart.
-Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book. {Added 1/15/00} [from Word-A-Day]
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson {Added 1/14/00}
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
-Paul Rodriguez {Added 1/14/00}
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
- Lily Tomlin {Added 1/14/00}
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get
rid of the body before you do the wash.
-Jerry Seinfeld {Added 1/14/00}
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past
me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.
-Jerry Seinfeld {Added 1/14/00}
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, "Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner".
-Lynda Montgomery {Added 1/14/00}
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west."
-Richard Jeni {Added 1/14/00}
Hello, you've reached the psychiatric hotline. If you are
obsessive and compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you
have multiple personalities, please press 2, 3, 4, and 5.
If you are paranoid, just stay on the line - we know who
you are, and we're on the way.
-from Coolsig web site {Added 9/13/99}
"I don't question YOUR existence." - God
-from Coolsig web site {Added 9/01/99}
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly
stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was
astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
-Mark Twain {Added 8/25/99} [from Word-A-Day]
My folks went to Turin and all I got was this lousy shroud.
-from Coolsig web site
{Added 8/25/99}
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box
crashed ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
-from Coolsig web site
{Added 8/22/99}
Isn't Disney World a People Trap Operated by a Mouse?
-Steven Wright {Added 8/22/99} [from Word-A-Day]
Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event
and still win.
-from Coolsig web site
{Added 8/22/99}
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
-from Coolsig web site
{Added 8/18/99}
Workers at the mint went on strike today to make less money.
-from Coolsig web site
{Added 8/16/99}
"Captain's log: A bunch of our ship fell off, and nobody
likes me."
- Crow T.Robot, Mystery Science Theater 3K: the Movie
{Added 8/13/99}
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular
level I'm really quite busy.
http://www.coolsig.com/bin/getsig?canadian
{Added 8/11/99}
A newcomer to Vancouver arrives on a rainy day. She gets up
the next day, and it's raining. It also rains the day after
that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and
sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, 'Hey, kid, does
it ever stop raining around here?' The kid says, 'How
should I know? I'm only 6.'
http://www.coolsig.com/bin/getsig?canadian
{Added 7/28/99}
Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.
{Added 7/28/99}
Don't make me use uppercase...
{Added 7/28/99}
Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.
{Added 7/28/99}
It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.
-Dan Quayle, Former U.S. Vice President (1947-) [on the concept of a manned mission to Mars]
{Added 7/28/99}
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
{Added 7/28/99}
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the
house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
{Added 7/28/99}
She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before
she finds one.
- Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
{Added 7/28/99}
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
woman. And behind her stands his wife.
- Groucho Marx
{Added 7/28/99}
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason
{Added 7/28/99}
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing."
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man.
Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.
Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!"
{Added 6/27/00}
{This section addded 04/12/99}
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/ offer
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED, SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE
FULL SIZED MATTRESS
30 YR WARRANTY
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK and BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED *************
CALL CHUBBIE ************
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN 89 cents lb.
FREE FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
$100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR
NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY
87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED.
PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE AND DONUTS
KELLOG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
{This section addded 11/24/99}
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
"ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour"
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit" - John S. Nichols
"What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?"
"Do not argue with the forces of nature, for you are small, insignificant, and biodegradable"
"Lorena Bobbit for White House intern!"
[Cool signatures (Coolsig)- http://www.amused.com/coolsig.html -- copied 11/16/98]
"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge."
Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick!
[Cool signatures (Coolsig)- http://www.coolsig.com -- copied 6/2/99]
[Cool signatures (Coolsig)- http://www.amused.com/coolsig.html -- copied 10/19/98]
Aviation HumorAll of the following are said to be true stories-you decide! November 22, 1996 The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth." November 15, 1996 PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem; go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation. November 8, 1996 A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport." September 6, 1996 Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure...by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7...did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff...and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." June 28, 1996 O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
Computer HaikuImagine if, instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in haiku. They would read like these: - - - - - - - - - - - - A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask far too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - Windows 95 crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that - - - - - - - - - - - - Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. - - - - - - - - - - - - Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. - - - - - - - - - - - - Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." - - - - - - - - - - - - Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. [From an email message on 10/16/98 from Syd]
"Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy" If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
{Section added 12/19/00}
''We're going to give the press a ten minute head start, then that's what we're going to hunt.''
-- Ventura, in a pre-hunting interview with television reporters
''Anyway, I've done way more stupid things on alcohol than I have on pot.''
-- Jesse Ventura, in a pre-election discussion on the decriminalization of marijuana
''The people in Washington could not be more surprised if Fidel Castro came loping across the Midwestern prairie on the back of a
Hippopotamus.''
-- Dan Rather, in a flustered election night report of the Ventura upset.
Sources: http://www.jokeindex.com
